“Beyonce Makes me Want to Turn 30”

beySo, it’s early afternoon, I’m checking my work email, looking up some flights on Kayak, doing my usual, and BOOM. BOOOOOM. Beyoncé dropped an album on our asses. While we where all sleeping and watching TV, Beyoncé said “here is some holiday cheer for y’all fools…now gimme your last $16.” Well first, I didn’t know how to act so I just stood up in the middle of the office. Really, I just stood up and stared at the computer screen. And then I sat down and went to iTunes to begin downloading. And after 10 minutes of jumping up and down, (and professing my undying devotion to Beyoncé on all forms of social media) I began watching the videos. I began listening to her lyrics, I began understanding that she really is a GROWN ASS woman. A woman who seems transformed in these new music videos. She seems empowered, boasting a sexiness that screams indifference to the haters and an appreciation for the 32 years it took to get to this point in her life.

Beyoncé is making her 30’s look damn good, and if this is the kind of woman I could be in my 30’s, sign me up right now. Taking charge of my career, allowing my work to speak for its self, feeling confident in my abilities. This is a side of growing older that I sometimes miss while worrying about what my family thinks I should be doing with my life, or how I’m still single while apparently all of Facebook is getting engaged. Your 30’s always seemed like this peak that you reach, an age where you should have your things in order. But as I get closer to the big 3-0 I realize that, like Beyoncé, there is power in your personal growth. I mean so much had to come together for her to feel comfortable having her man hop on a track and tell us how he likes to push her panties to the side in their foyer. Even the juxtaposition of having a piece of Adiche’s “We Should all be Feminists” speech over a track that tells you bitches to bow down paints the picture of a woman who knows who she is, and enjoys confusing us all with her mélange of vulnerable, erotic, thug, feminist, art.

Isn’t that who we all are on the inside? Balls of inconsistencies and contradictions? I loudly declare myself a feminist while still being unable to fully define the term, all the while wondering if my desire to put on a freakum dress and drop it low to the new Juicy J joint will ruin my credibility in certain circles. What I think Beyoncé has showcased here is that we don’t need to define ourselves or our dreams, we just need to act on our visions and let that do the explaining. We can just be, we can just live, and move forward in the direction that feels right. Write a book, start a business, shit or don’t. Be free.

As I look to my 27th birthday in March, I think of how I still have very little figured out. How I think I may know what I like, what I want, what I envision for my future, but those ideas change everyday. Literally, everyday I am wondering what my next move will be in 2014. Should I go to law school? Move back to DC? Go be a vagabond in Europe? I don’t know, and for the first time in my life, I’m beginning to feel ok with the ambiguity of it all. I look forward to reaching my 30’s and having an even better understanding of the woman looking back at me. I look forward to feeling sexier, being more confident in my voice, arriving at a place of comfort for myself and no one else. Thanks Bey.

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